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Rigor Mortis #4 COVER
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Rigor Mortis Vol. 4, © April 2011

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Rigor Mortis #4

Welcome, dear bleeders, to another tangent-filled issue of Rigor Mortis. Before you hunker down with your slice of Voodoo zombie pie, followed by a ta-ta chaser, we need to talk. (He-he, we can hear you squirming from here) Not to worry -- as a RIGOR MORTIS reader, we are certain you are not the breed of horror "fan" we are addressing. No, we need to talk about people who tout their love of "bad" movies, but can really only back that up by having heard of PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (which, by the way, is far from the worst film ever. In fact, VAN HELSING probably deserves that honor, and it had a budget.). These are also the same soulless MFers who actually start conversations with, "Do you remember that episode of FRIENDS, where…" or "It's just like that time on SEINFELD, when…" or go to revival houses and spend the whole time laughing and jeering at THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. We are convinced these people are dead inside. Bad dead, not good dead.

These are often the same hipsters who decided drinking PBR was suddenly cool because it was ironic. Whereas, as an actual fan probably drinks it because it is cheap and reminds him of his flatulent, alcoholic grandfather. See, self-aware irony. No irony. Get it?

Futhermore, these "people" also think that any film without a big budget "deserves the MST3K treatment." Here's the thing, there are some of us who genuinely love "bad" movies, or B movies if you will. Our expectations are of being entertained for 90 minutes; we don't expect a life-altering experience. We don't need to disparage these films to be cool, nor do we feel the need to make pithy comments every 60 seconds to make sure no one thinks we actually like the movie. We should also point out that we LOVED the original intent of MST3K. At first, they used their comedic skills to bring new life to old movies. Unfortunately, as is often the case, fame brought asshole fans and somehow pandering to them became more important. At their best MST3K mocked from a place of love for the genre. At their worst, they forgot their genesis as symbiotic satirists and (intermittently) became cruel parasites. It is this incarnation certain fans seem to emulate today. Dearest fanboys and fangirls, please know that being a tapeworm is never hip or cool, so quit scooching your butts on the carpet.

Our love of these films is often rooted in childhood and is part of what makes us well-rounded film geeks. These are not guilty pleasures, because there are no such things as "guilty pleasures." We regret nothing here at RM (unless you count the screening of THE SPIRIT we walked out of). One can actually enjoy Ingmar Bergman and a film that features monsters covered in bubble-wrap and tempera paint without pissing off the cinema gods. We will also cry bullshit on Tarantino and Romero, when warranted. (Ohhhh, that's right, we don't actually worship the king of derivative irony, Tarantino.)

If you are too self-conscious and jaded to risk looking like a dork for loving MEGA PYTHON VS GATOROID, well fine, just go back to your Tweetups and nasty-assed hipster bacon-themed happy hours. Leave those of us alone who spent our allowances as kids on Starlog and Starburst to enjoy our good, bad movies in peace.

Now that we got that off our bosoms, let's all go get our geek on….

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