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Leeking Ink #27 Table of Contents
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Stupid Things I Have Done Lately
I've done some really stupid things lately. I don't think I'm usually this mindless and dense, but here's proof otherwise…
GOING POSTAL
I had written Andy a letter on my train ride
to work, but didn't have an envelope in my bag (my bag is my traveling office).
When I got to DC I used one from my stash of work stationary, stamped it and
sent it on its way to Portland. A week or so later the letter was back on my
desk…opened. I had forgotten the apartment number and it was
returned…to the hands of my petty, Seinfeld-obsessed "director." He
smirked about it. The letter had been rather personal and worse yet, confessed
to/gloated about leaving a work event several hours early a few weeks before.
SUB-CONSCIOUS LUDDITE?
I was working on two freelance
projects at home. Without a shred of forethought, I got up from the computer,
walked into my bedroom and decided that that moment would be a good time to
take the air conditioner out of the window. I took it out all right. The window
was sticking because of the high humidity and stormy weather. I had one hand on
the AC trying to balance it and the other pounding the window. It finally
sprang upward, causing my upper body to surge forward and push the AC out the
second story window. I ran downstairs to make sure none of the dogs were
outside when it fell. They weren't. I went into my mother's room to explain the
crash. She stood there at the door looking at the now mutilated AC and turned
to me and said, "It landed in a pile of diarrhea you know."
OIL AND WATER
I know the danger of having lip balm in my
pants pocket, but I got home from work near midnight and just threw the pants
in the wash without thinking. I had to go out and buy Patrick new pants for
work that weekend.
SELF-POISONING: "ALL-NATURAL" CAN KILL, I
I decided I would
try and take better care of myself and eat a healthy breakfast routinely. I
found a new, self-proclaimed, "healthy" cereal that I liked. It took nearly 6
weeks for me to realize that all the cracked and unprocessed wheat in the
cereal was causing my stomach agonies.
NEVER A BORROWER BE
My minivan had died a few weeks earlier
and my boss needed me to work one Saturday. I picked his van up and was to use
it for the photo shoot and give it back to him when he got home Monday. Well,
Saturday evening rolled around and I needed to go take care of my friend's cats
while she was away. Using the van wouldn't hurt, would it? On the way back I
decided to stop by the grocery store, which was where the van started making a
terrible noise. I was afraid to drive it and I couldn't get in touch with him,
so I parked it and left about 10 messages explaining what happened and begging
forgiveness for using the van without asking. It had thrown a spark plug and
had nothing to do with me driving it, but having just watched my own minivan
pass away I wasn't sure.
1ST DEGREE IDIOT
Patrick came to see me at lunch on my first
day of work and we went to get hot drinks. I wasn't feeling well and ordered
hot tea, watching the woman heat the water with an espresso spout. It was far
too hot to drink, so I thought, "Oh, I'll just put some ice in it." I put the
open cup under the ice chute and pushed. The water that splashed out of the cup
was hot enough to cause blisters on the top of my hand.
SELF POISONING: "ALL-NATURAL" CAN KILL, II
I had been sick
for nearly a week. I left work early and stopped and got what I thought would
help: nice "hippy-dippy" herbal cough syrup (by Tom's of Maine). I got the
nighttime formula and took some as soon as I got home. I didn't get
sleepy…in fact I felt a little peppy. That peppiness would quickly
transform into an inability to sleep and perpetual anxiety, only I was too sick
and stupid to realize it was the cough syrup causing the problem. After three
days I went to the doctor who said my heart was racing and that it was likely
the cough medicine. I was utterly exhausted by that point. She also said I
probably had mono.
DOMESTIC SELF-ABUSE
Christmas night I fell victim to a
violent bout of gastroenteritis (the stomach flu). In the middle of the night,
on yet another desperate flight to the bathroom to throw up, I ran face first
into the wall. It began to bruise and swell immediately. At the hospital a few
days later I would be asked if anyone had hit or threatened me…just me.
